it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
