Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
