Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
