My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I AM VODKA MAN
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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