Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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