I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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