I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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