It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
