i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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