Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
