Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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