Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
