im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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