I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
