I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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