I wish my penis had an off switch
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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