If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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