OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
