you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
