i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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