i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
