if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
