Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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