A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
