this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize