Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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