YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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