How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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