I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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