the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
50% drunk capacity currently
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
