Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
