Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
