You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
