I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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