After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
