It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
