All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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