WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
