my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
