so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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