I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
