Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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