My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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