well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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