When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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