She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize