absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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