you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
