We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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