Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
