Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
