so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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