He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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