God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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