I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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