He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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