"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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