Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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